“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” -Albert Einstein
The sense of being “in the middle” has been following me around lately. I am middle aged and overwhelmed. If the beginning of the task list is stationary, the end is a moving target so despite all the check marks I tick, I am just as far from the start as I am from the end. The word middle comes from Old English middel or “equally distant from extremes or limits,” so why do we often feel stuck when we are in the middle? Extremes and outer limits can be terrifying, but exhilarating. I was reflecting on this recently, when I briefly stopped at Great Falls on my home from a conference in Virginia. I strolled along the C&O tow path with the rapids of the Potomac River on my right, and the nearly still water of the old canal to my left. Noticing the juxtaposition of the two bodies of water, I made a mental note to slow down. I only had an hour to walk around before I had to get back home. Some days life feels like it’s moving unfairly fast when I think too long about both my children and parents growing older. I contemplated pushing the locks to see if I had the strength to move one of the sides, but instead walked briskly to get the most of my hour outdoors.
As I walked past the canal system and the old locks, I stopped worrying about work, kids, the bookstore and started thinking about how people used to live. For the greater part of the 19th century, transportation by water was the fastest way to get around. Although the railroad came right on the heels of the canal system and took over in terms of speed and ease, the engineering of the canals remains for us to admire. The C&O Canal Company built six locks closely spaced together to allow boats going to and from Washington DC to Harpers Ferry to safely avoid the 41 foot vertical drop and rapids of the Potomac River. Travelers would wait as the lock was filled with water to float in level, then release the water slowly to be able to move with the descending slope. I began to think about the people, dressed nicely for aquatic travel, smiling and happy. I pictured them staying at the Great Falls Tavern, eating, excited about their boat trip. And then I realized that stress was invented long before the 1870s. Life wasn’t always easier. Middle Aged women like me probably experienced just as much stress as we do, albeit in different ways.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Elenor Roosevelt
I have had some trying weeks since that stop in Great Falls. I find myself thinking back to the tow path, between the two water ways, one almost stagnant and the other rapids and water falls. The “rapids” of life are often unavoidable, but solid habits can be like a lock system. Journaling changed my life, and it continues to be the best self-care I have. Exercise, meditation, gratitude and healthy eating are all also great tools for resiliency and self-care during stressful moments in life. Of course these are the last things one wants to do when distressed. Last week I found myself crying, often, and yelling – two things I really don’t do much. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and I fell right over the edge of that waterfall. I wanted to eat blocks of cheese and tell everyone to fuck off. Instead, I cut the excess fat off my to-dos, forced myself (and I mean forced) to continue to write, read, workout and eat healthy. Each morning I woke up a little happier, a little calmer and a little more resilient. I hate to think I am a trope. Some people may find comfort knowing that they are not alone when they go through a certain phase of life. Not me. Mary Ruefle wrote that menopause is “a kind of wild forest blood [that] runs your veins.” I am sure that I am inching my way towards menopause, and that description does seem fit. So maybe the uptick of crying and starting a business from scratch are all part of this wild forest blood, or maybe being a 42 year old working mom is just freaking hard some days, but either way I have some keys to maintain my sanity throughout this journey.
-Liz
